No, I've not gone over the edge.
I've spent the last day watching the first 2 seasons of Dexter. If you haven't seen it, the show boils down to a serial killer who only kills murderers and works for the Miami police hunting down serial killers.

If I had a picture of a nutshell now would be a good time to put it in, maybe if I have time later I'll edit one in.

The main thing that I like about the programme is the remote detatchment that the main character seems to have with human emotions, for instance having to learn to smile for family photos because it isn't normal for children not to. Ah to have such detatchment would make life a lot easier. And boring, dull, lackluster, I don't even know what the last one means but it sounds good.

I don't really dislike feelings, it would be a lot hared to wallow if there were none to wallow in, I guess I would have to wallow in mud. Mmmm, mud.

I've been out walking quite a bit recently. I like walking, the not being watched or judged, the freedom. Also the time can be used for talking to myself, I enjoy doing that, the long rants of many voices spoken at the same pitch which, if done in civilised company would attract nerry a queer look.

I dream of being back at uni a lot, but the people are different, wrong somehow, and the best of my companions at home are also there. It seems as soon as the best part begins someone says "Just as you think all of your dreams have come true, you find out: they haven't." and I wake up in a cold sweat. I wouldn't even bring it up but I'm really short on Ideas to bulk out this blog and the dreams seem so real and I see appirritons from those dreams for hours after I wake up. Just out of the corner of my eye.

Well enough about me time for some comix:
Webcomics are so formulaeic
Thanks for reading this far, I would have gotten bored and looked at por... erm news, yes, news.

Pax
Don

Being nocturnal is better than it's cracked up to be.
But apparrently the rest of the country doesn't agree because there is nothing to do after about half past two unless you are at home.

This was revealed to me at the magic time while on my way to France. I was n the ferry to France over-night and somewhat innebreated, my family had all gone to the couchette to sleep and I was wandering around the public areas trying to find anyone who wasn't a slave to the social conventions of sleeping times.

The only two I found were only up because it was their job and what's worse, they only spoke french and enough english to say that they didn't speak it.

So with nothing else to do I resorted to hoarding pint mugs and wandering around on the dark of the deck before getting really bored and falling asleep on a sofa somewhere.

Now I can sleep at the usual times and do things during the day when I have to compete for usership rights with everybody else, because without a job what the hell else am I supposed to do?

I need a hobby, or a job, or a car.
Change comes slowly in Devonshire.

Pax
Don

Apparently.

I've been home for a couple of weeks now and I've done almost nothing for all that time. AApart from a 6 hour walk to get away from my house all I have been up to since i've been back is eat, sleep, play computer games and go out drinking with my crippled brother and his friends.

For all my talk about getting a job I have done nothing that could be mistaken for effort in that respect and now with my younger brothers GCSEs over I begining to think that it was time well spent.

Granted it's how I spent the vast majority of my GCSE and A-level study leave and the summers following them, but I had such high hopes for myself.

Not just that, this near constant state of hungover limbo makes it very hard to come up with interseting or thought provoking blogs. Like when I went to uni I would write an e-mail home every week to say how I was doing (because e-mail is not a verb!). But in my third term i sent a grand total of 2 emails because I had nothing that they would want to hear.

Ah well rather than just shut up shop for the summer I pledge towrite whenever a thought or topic that intrigues me arises, or when I'm bored.
But possibly not.

My sub-concious is torturing me in my dreams!
And I can't believe they drowned Charlie, He was the best thing in that show! Fucking Lost

Pax
Don

hey

I wrote a long heart felt and insightful blog but due to some crappy site crash/crappy connection/internet server it didn't get posted just some annoying title which on it's own meant nothing.

I resolved to rewrite the blog making changes where apropriate so it would make a good sign off the my year at uni. But being the lazy shizno that I am, I choose instead to forget about it and read webcomix. Then tonight, my last night at uni (assuming my dad remembers to come get me tomorrow), I couldn't sleep, got really bored and hyped up on sugar.

The gist of my other post was: I'm happy about how my first year of uni turned out, I never expected to make it this far, I like cake, it tastes good, the cake is a lie, I am bringing smexy back.

Now onto things that are relavent to me now: how the hell am I supposed to be able to tell the difference between the pains in my belly from being hungry, being ill, or from eating too much if I can't remember what I've eaten all day.

Also why do I always have trouble sleeping when I am going somewhere soon. I can't sleep till late most of the time but before I go to and leave uni I can't get to sleep no matter what I try. Ah well I have a 100 year old book of poetry and the wonderous "Invictus" to keep me occupied I should be fine until breakfast cafe's open in the morning.

Pax
Don

I'm bringing Smexy Back. Mr Timberlake has nothing on me.

2 to go, my exams are ending and my friends are leaving over the next couple of days.

But wait, Because I'm doing maths I have my last exam next week. Curses! This means I have to spend the rest of this week like I spent the start of my second semester, alone. Only this time I can't go along to geeksoc and try to get along with people and make new friends, I already did that and now geeksoc is ending for the year and all the friends I made are buggering off.

It's not all bad however; soon I get o go home and indulge in games of a superior graphics and gameplay quality when compared to the ones I have here at uni. One in particular is Dow or Dawn of War.

Ah well, at home I will have to console myself with games, the luxury of not paying for food, a vast(really really vast) DVD collection and the gaming club where I can actually beat people

Not all bad. But I kind of have to get a job or I won't be able to afford to do anything at all this summer. Previously this wouldn't have bothered me in the least but this freedom to do and get anything I want that I have at uni is glorious and I shalln't give it up.

So job it is. Could be worse, I could have to work in fast food.

Pax
Don

I'ts been a while.

I've started my second semester exams adn for the most part the revisionI've done has been exactly the stuff I needed to answer correctly. Almost as if the examiners are setting more or less the same papers as last year... hmm.

At nerd(Collectable Card Game) society we had the annual commity elections and it turns out that I got the most votes for the position of President(being the only one running helps) and so I now have responsability, something I am sorely lacking according to my F&F.

Now onto the important bit: Stating The Obvious! In other words summer is here. There are many things I dislike about summer, the insufferable heat, the blinding sun, the inability to go anywhere without fecking kids being the, the lack of rain...
But these are all made up for in full by one thing. Now don't just assume I'm a perv for this(assume it for other reasons) 'cos everybody thinks it, The combination of skimpy tight clothing on attractive 19-23 year olds. Being at uni rules.

But the exams bring it down again. 2 weeks left, 4 exams, 1 student! who will emerge victorious! Stay tuned.

yes quite.I really need to get myself one of those thar girlfriend things.
Pax
Don

Today is I have been alive for a full 19 years and I appear to have finally found the time that the grown ups always told you was coming when you were having fun in some theme park. You always ask; "why aren't you excited about your birthday?" in the naive way that children do and the awnser was always along the lines of "you get over it" or somehting.

I remember my birthday 10 years ago when I was so happy because I had the day off school and we went to the zoo, it was sunny and I was having fun seeing all the animals and playing with my brother. I think that was when I was happiest, it is certainly the happiest I can ever remember being.

I've been doing things that I thought would help me all my life, rarely making a decision by what I want. I, like many other people have tried to abide by the better angels of my nature and do what should be done for the better. I don't think I've done a great job of it.

"I once walked into a room and saw my great-uncle in the dark, crying, so I went over and asked him 'Uncle, what is wrong?' And he turned with an ashen face and said in a voice that sounded like a thousand winters 'My shoes are too tight, but it doesn't matter because I have forgotten how to dance.' I didn't understand until now what he meant, Vir. Now I see, so now I sit here in the dark, crying, because my shoes are too tight, but it doesn't matter because I have forgotten how to dance"-Londo Molari

Maybe it would be easier if the better angels of my nature didn't have horns. Life goes on.

Pax
Don

It's been a while since last we spoke you and I, but, my dear blog, that time is now at an end fo I have at last found my elusive topic on which to speak!

'kay So its been a while, well by the standards of some it has been little more than an average gap between blogs but the truth of the matter is I have found huge amounts of trouble thinking of a subject to rant about now that I don't feel the need to vent all of my fears, complaints and greivances.

Did you ever read a book everyone said was great and find it wasn't so great, apart from the "Harry Potter" series of books. Sometimes it's strange talking with others about preferences because no matter how hard I try i can't seem to see it from their point of view. With most things, logical reasoning as to a choice or way of putting things I am quite understanding in that I can see why people do things, why they think they do things and although I recognise that I can be off about this I feel if I know what they are thinking that I see how the rationalise thngs.

It's quite frightening in fact when I think about great atrocities commited by dictators when I can imagine myself doing these things, the reasoning behind it and the ways it would have been conducted if a certain stray thought had been embraced or ignored. I may just be projecting my possible thoughts onto others.

That may be why I have such trouble with people: because I do not know the full extent of the reasoning behind their actions I cannot see how they came to the decision they have.

So yes, preferences, I have trouble with these because they have no basis on logic, on reasoning, but are more of a contributing factor to peoples ways of thinking, they are part of the thought process that are elementery in thier simplicity. Either that or I'm going out of my mind again.
It would be a nice change of pace.

I leave you with this quote by Henry Ford:
"A customer can have a car in any colour he chooses, as long as its black."
Go figure.

Pax
Don

They say time heals all wounds.
And that it wounds all heals.
All I can say is it has been a while and it hurts.
She live on in my pain and memory.

Pax
Don

In Memory
Alison Brown
1954-2001

So here I am returned to Aber and my little fortress/room and as usual my mind wanders to something from a long while ago. I found a piece of overly cryptic artwork with obscure symbolism which i did for GCSE Art. and I realised that I had outlived my life expectancy. Since the beggining of year 8 I got it into my head, due to a personal loss and lots of neighbours, that people tend to die or leave alot, and for the next 4 years I had it in my head that I wouldn't make it through secondaery education.

Well as you will have no doubt guessed I did. And at the begining of the third term of year 11 I realised that I was going to be ok and I loosed aoll my relief into a peice of work which was mediocre at best and dire at worst, I never was a great artist. But I was looking over it and I realised I had done it again, the same feeling that set in when I first came to uni came upon me, that this was wrong and I shouldn't have made it this far.

Like sneaking onto private property and you only realise that you shouldn't be there when you've gone too far. Now however I don't have the same relief that I got three years ago, now I just feel out of place.

Well only when I leave my room do i feel something is wrong and very rarely when drunk. I guess I can't accept the fact that things are going great for me: I have great friends, even if I don't see the ones from home much they are still in my mind as great fastnesses and the ones I have here are as good as any I have known, I have a great family, who give me the space I need and can still see when I need help, and I am at a place where my limits of understanding are constantly pushed.

In as much as can be said of emotion it will be that all that can will anly be a veiw through a lens, and it is not always rose coloured or that of blood or of greyest misery or any. In all resides a poet that can not scream or sing for fear of their truth being known.

Pax
Don

So I'm back home from uni... again. It has been about a week back and I have noly just broken the nocturnality that set on when I returned. I was going to bed at 9 in teh morning and getting up at nine at night. Thats a good 7 hours of ime with family and 5 hours of dvds.

But thanks to copiuos amounts of caffine and beer I have managed to break the cycle and get up during the morning. A fiver says it doesn't stick...

Any way, I haven't posted in a while, mainly because I've had nothing to say and I got tired of posting whiny emo blogs. Having said that I have been extremely tempted to just put my problems on the internet and just forget they exist. I have managed to avoid that however.

This last term has been better than my first one. I made better friends, I didn't get a crush on a friend and I have been turning up to lectures. I think that is why I was so mopey before. I didn't really have that much in common with my flatmates and I was only hanging around with them because I was into one of themm and slowly I tried to do more to push them away due to my dislike of them and got offended when they backed off.

Although I may think of myself as slightly screwed in the head this is nothing compared with some. Granted, its far from "normal" (hehe) but the mould was broken for a reason. I like to think the reason is cheese but thats up to you.

Someone who reads this asked me if I ever planed out the blog before I write it because it seems to be a bit of a strange disjointed Brainfart.
The awnser is that I usually think of the first paragraph, sometimes the first two but apart from that I write things as they come to mind and my mind wanders a lot.

Its good to be home again.
Surrounded by my apethetic family: My retired father, my crippled brother, and my stoner brother.

Pax
Don

I recently changed my Facebook status to "Donald shall be worthy of God's love" so that when I saw them I could gauge their reactions to it. I found out something which I find troubling.

The way I see it there are three main ways of looking at it, The religious the ironic and the down-right-pessimistic.

The religious one should be obvious to everybody, but I like to spell things out, for bookkeeping sakes and such like, as the speaker decreeing that they are going to become a better person so that the endless blessings God rains down upon them will be on somebody who actually deserves good things to happen to them.

The Ironic is, in my veiw, God doesn't love us, He doesn't bless us so we needn't change for all that happens to us is our own doing and we are technically all worthy of eveything that happens to us. Its Putting a biblical spin on what is just humanity and is Ironc because God doesn't love us.

The pessimistic one is slightly more sociopathic. The idea of God doing things which make our lives worse and thus His "love" is some twisted sadism, as such we should make ourselves worthy of this curse by doing things considered wrong (sin sexually, taking His name in vain, worshiping golden cows, the works... oh and murder, violence and the like) so that the tirade of misfortune will be balenced out by you doing misfortune on others.

Most people just assumed the first one although I've never really been a religious person except in strange extremely concentrated bursts which usually are to some deity or concept of my own design, ( when making up your own religion you can make it work to your needs etc.). The troubling thing was I actually meant the second one and most people were actually quite shocked when I explained the third one to them.

What troubles me is that I generally thought, in this great land, the third option was more likely than the first by using my own ideas as a template mind for the masses. This shows I am more fucked up than my friends. Who would have thought it.

On a lighter note in about a week Term ends and I go home for three weeks.
As always I endure.
This is whu you don't take programmers to the pictures

Pax
Don

It matters not how striaght the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.
-Bill Henley

"Hi my name's Donald and being rejected would really make my day"

The title is really a misnomoner because with enough lows you will eventually get to a point where it is high again. So Scotland lost a rugby again this evening and I asked out a girl I liked and who I thought liked me. It ended badly. So my lows are being experienced. To try to overcome this I tried to drink myself to a state of numbness, which it a state I enjoy, what with the nice not-feeling anything-ness.

But due to my current money problems this meant I coukdn't buy much alchol so I drank myself into a buzzed state where I feel annoyed by most of the things that people do and challenge them on it. At least this time I didn't get into a fight. Also I have trouble typing, and the typing software isn't helping.

How did I get like this? Well it's not too far from where I was. I have never been able to talk about what's going on in my life with any one so my blog is the only real sense of relief. It doesn't help that my slightly more emo V-log on youtube has come under fier from somebody who took offence to me posting "lame" as a comment to a vid I thought was lame. Although it's not as of that attracted any repeat veiwers anyway. It was just good to talk as opposed to type, and say the things that came to mind as they did instead of developing them into coherent sentances.

This is the way I always have been.
But its not too late to change, unless you are like me, so set in your ways that you cannot face the road ahead.

http://uk.youtube.com/profile?user=Semitaire
Just in case

Pax
Don
Lost Harper
Semitaire
Acheron
Bladeron
Tiros

I should pick an alias and stick to it. lol.

Well it's over for another year and for another year I spent it alone in both the figurative and literal senses. Aparently there wasn't any connection between the day of the saints Valentine until Chaucer wrote a poem where he made references about all creatures finding their mates for it was the 14th of febuary, Valentines day. Most of the Saints remembered on that day where martyrs for their religion, very romantic.

I still don't understand the whole fuss single people make about the whole thing, the winging and belly-aching about being depressed and not having anyone. I guess that it just feels like any other day, rather than a commercialy overhyped day of stress and romance. Today I just felt a bit cold due to my underdressing for the temperature and really tired due to my lack of sleep.

People make such a fuss over it all and yeah, it does feel nicew to let someone know you care and to have them reciprocate but surely in arelationshyip it should be like that every day as opposed to the one day you can't avoid it?

Maybe I'm just a bit bitter because i've said, at most, twenty words to any individual person today barring the red cross guy who was trying to extract money out of me. I guess I am a bit, for all my grandstanding about it being the same I'm kind of dissapointed that it wasn't any different. Ah, ambivalence, it gives me a headache to have so many contradictory emotions at the same time, perhaps it would be easier if I didn't think so much... Nah thats just dumb, Lots of people suffer as I do: people of action, people of indecision and those who do what they must.

We are blessed and cursed by who we are, but life goes inexorably on.
I found a new band that I like, a dutch symphonic metal band called Within Temptation.
Youth is fleeting but immaturity is forever.

Pax
Don

I was sat in the union today watching the rugger and swearing at the top of my lungs when I realised something: I have never cried at someone dying, at sad parts in films or most of the things that people do cry at. However when ever scotland loses or someone tells me that at one point or another they didn't like me I can feel myself well up and it takes a great deal of emotional suppresion to keep from bawling my eyes out.

And I finally realised why: Pride. I am a very proud person, Proud of my homeland, proud of how I act and far to proud to let other people see me weak, unless of course I have made it overly obvious that it is a joke. While considering this and clutching my pint so hard my knuckles went white I came to the conclusion that I shouldn't take it all so personally.

Its hard not to take it personally when the entire union is staring you down because you stood up clapping and yelling because Scotland scored a penalty. For those of you who don't know I go to uni in Aberystwyth, western Wales so needless to say the vast majority of people were there supporting Wales. Go Figure.

Pride is only a bad thing when it leads you to do things which you know in your heart is wrong, like getting angry because your team lost, getting into a fight with someone much bigger than you and getting chucked out of the Union an hour ago.

Ah well, I'll cope

Pax
Don

First watch this vid because most of my ranat will be based on this:
http://www.gametrailers.com/player/usermovies/163925.html

Where do newscasters get off on the violent VG bashing. I was given little to no supervision of oversight on the games and films I watched in fact in most cases it was my dad who bought them for me, the point I'm trying to make is that I chose not to go looking for pornography in my house when i was on my own, I have yet to kill anyone but the conservative base of modern western society deems that I am the type of person who is going to end up destroying the county!

Okay, I'm the first to admit I didn't turn out to be the hallowed normal, but I manage to get by, I have friends and I study for my qualifications. I may have a slightly consuming imagination and have trouble seperating reality and dreams but I've been like that since before I ever started playing vids. ( please note due to a vocabulary that usually doesn't refer to a single thing so much in so short a time and not wanting to refer to repeat the same names over and again I shall be forced to use leet, I'm sorry)

The fact of the matter is Computer games are only ever criticised by non-gamers and defended by gamers, there seems tto be no middle ground and as can be seen in the news clip the nons generally do not get their facts right and hardly ever get challenged on it.

Granted this a fairly onesided veiw on the matter, for instace some people who are more easily influenced may do something violent because they saw it in a game but then again violence is everywhere and although we shouldn't rub peoples faces in it, it doesn't mean we should ignore it, insulated like some "Brave new world" bottle children.

Rant over, probably. Unless I see something else that i deem unfair.
Well unfair enough to dedicate a blog to.
And now a warning about cats

Pax
Don

Yes thou mayest sigh,
And take one last look at all around,
At stream and bank, sky and ground,
Thy life its final course has found,
And thou must die
-Sir Walter Scott

It's sunday, it's seven o'clock, you know what that means!!

... its almost bedtime. Anti-climactic I know but my first day of lectures starts tomorrow and my sleep patern is practically nocturnal at the moment so in attempt to fix it I have been awake since Toogood woke me up yesterday. Toogood is a friend of mine from secondary school who came to visit from southhampton. So i'm feeling quite tired and very sober.

However tomorrow is a John's birthday so that means drink, kleptomaniacy and drunken hat juggling. It's okay for me to get drunk tomorrow because my first lecture on tuesday is at 12 again this semester. Woot!

I spent today playing 40k in the union and then kicking ass at poole. I am a terrible poole player so the fact that was kicking ass should say a lot about the people I hang out with. Currently I am happy and life is entertaining, although I don't expect this attitude will last past thursday. Ah, thursday, the day of 6 lectures. Ahem I trhink that was wrong, it should be 6 F*@&%$G LECTURES OF BRAIN MELTING GOBSH*TE. Nevermind, I shall endure. My nonspecific faith will sustain me.

Or I'll have a breakdown, both good choices.
They really are quite sinister
I do enjoy this little bit at the end, carefully selecting comics and a curious afterthought, Like the theory of quantum porn mechanics: "If you can think of a fetish then its likely that there is porn about it."
For instance Digimon porn. EWWW!! That even makes my inner otaku cringe.

Pax
Don

I've been watching a Veiw Askew marathon but due to a lack of 1000 DVDs Library I am stuck only seeing Clerks, Mall Rats, Jay and Silent Bob Strikes Back and Clerks II. I have decided something.

I am more similar to Dante than I care to admit. I am nothing more than someone who will allow everything to happen to him as long as he can continue with the status quo.

I should S*** or get of off the pot. I can't take anything as my responsibility. But the good news is I have half a year of uni over Dante and mosrt likely a year of uni over over him. I seem to be doing well in my exams and all the preperations for when they are over are complete. I smoke only cigars and even then very rarely so next friday, after my last exam I shall light up and rejoyce in my freedon. Then even if I completely fail in all the exams I take it's a year more than a lot of people.

Having said the mandatory pessamistic bit for good luck, I feel like I have been doing quite well in my first semester examinations so it is likely that I will pass at least the ones I have already taken.

I have a good feeling about this.
Doug should get out of the hospital soon, if not today so everything is starting to look up again.
Sex differences

I have been drinking throughout this post
I apreciatation to all of you for reading but special mention to Facade for helping me work through some of my neurosis.

Pax
Don

I got an email from my dad today and the subject was simply "Doug in hospital" and I swear I saw a grey hair fall out of my head.

Just seeing the subject got me all worried but instead of rading it like a normal person I went for an hour long walk, thinking it would releave some of my anxiety. So I spent an hour walking and obsessing on how my brother is dying.

Melodramatic I know, but that is how I do things. When I got back I couldn't even open the m eassage because the internet in my halls went down. Long story cut short by the time the connection came back I was out of beer and sweets and several pairs of socks had been shredded.

I realised that of all the people I know, like and love, Doug is the one who I never worried about. I probably should have with his drinking, smoking, eratic driving and working in a garage, but it never occured to me that he isn't invincible.

Another sliver of innocence dies. Doug was in a car accident and broke his wrist and leg, but aside from that he should be fine in about 6 weeks.I felt I had to talk about this rather than bottle it up. Guess it makes a change from fo-existentialism and moping.

Pax
Don

Two very different things. But they needn't be. If you can find something that makes you happy then you will, more often than not, be content. However, if you are content, and you have been for a while, then it is likely that you will not be happy.

I have been trying to remember the last time I was happy and it has been harder than I would have thought. And all the thoughts I come up with are either when I am really young or when the moment was all that mattered. I wish life was like that now.

I mean I'm not unhappy, I'm no longer miserable with the way my life is going, but along the same vein I am not happy. I am content to amble along allowing the fates to choose my course. I am content when things are decided for me, I am unhappy when I choose incorrectly.

I was happy with Jen, but I blew that to shit (I apologise for my language now and any other time I have swore). I could try to blame other people, my friends of the day, but the truth is any time I find myself approching the state of happiness I crave hen I feel I have to do... something. I have to stop it. I'm too much like Rimmer from Red Dwarf.

I know I try to make myself seem individual by saying this but the truth is I'm not. So many people are in the same boat that I am in. Declaring this seems superfluouous, because it seems that only those who fit the government's ever changing definition of "depressed" are reading these but I have a news flash for you. We are not depressed, or abnormal: We are content to be who we are and to do what we do. Maybe we should try to be happy...

I almost had the title with a lower case C for contentment but I felt that would be wrong, Contentment is not a bad thing, it keeps us from the maw, keeps us together. But sometimes it keeps us lonely because we are content to be that way, so I challenge you, all of you who read, do something to make you happy, and I shall try the same.

Be more than content.
Pax
Don

P.S.
I apologise if you are not like me and are offended by my use of we. If you are not like me then YOU ARE NOT MEANT TO BE INCLUDED BY MY USE OF "WE." I'm a statastician, I work by probabilities, no offence intended.