Lost Harper

Well I have survived the worst of it, I have survived the waiting, the brief moments of fury, the anguish and the heart break, by that I of course mean I am down to one exam left, and I am pretty confident that I will have todo the exact same subjects next year.

You see I am a lazy son of a bitch who usually tends to try and find some way to make the situation not his fault, this time though I have found a new sense of apathy, I didn't do the work so I will have to redo the year, but that doesn't really bother me. To be honest I have been trying to get by on the bare minimum for a long time now and its only now that the plan has fallen through for me.

But there is always an up side, probably, I don't really see a down side so I haven't been looking that hard, give me time and I'll end up getting all melodramatic again, until then I am going to enjoy the fact that I only have one exam left and its an open book exam, on computers, with lasers!
Ok the lasers bit was a lie but it seems like it shouldn't be too much trouble, then again that is what they said about the great war...

Life is good for now
Pax
Don

The exam season is upon me once again and the first went very badly, the only conselation was that I spoke to some of the other people sitting it and both of them had already failed it once, one was redoing the year and the other was a 3rd year, so if all fails then I can always redo the year, and if I do well enough, I may be able to progress to the next year anyway.

I seem to be going through bouts of depression randomly from time to time, when I consider options that I would never normally consider, options that would change my life forever, most of them for the ill. On the up side I have also found a way to keep myself from doing them, procrastination. The simple idea that says the cliff isn't going anywhere, if I still want to chuck someone off it or jump myself I can always do it tomorrow. And then things always look better in the morning.

My date didn't go well, but I got over it with copious amount of alcohol. I probably shouldn't do that, it's probably not a good way to deal with things, although in the morning I no longer care, I do love when things are better in the morning.

"This life is full of evil, hardship and pain, but I wouldn't trade it for anything you can imagine."-Bestion

For all my complaints and doubts, life is good.
Pax
Don

Hey,

so I haven't wrote in a while and it seems to be making mr heamorage veiwers/readers the fact of the matter is I've been doing okay without this platform for venting feelings. Until now. As usual I am quite drunk when I write this and the people who I really want to take this to heart are not the people who read. Well not this cut rate emo journal that I seem to have compiled.

I have seemed to have gotten over my earlier proble of speaking to girls and it has since beenn replaced witha n inability to get them to understand that I like them. In short I cannot flirt. Or if I can it is in my own deranged way which leaves me sort of unsure whether anyone even knows if I meant it.

Okay brief run down on how I expect to get girls: Become the slightly odd friend, single out the one I like, slowly try to become a major part of thier life. then it ends. I need them to make the next move because I have a pride unrivaled by the most arrogant of individuals and a need to be liked by all, rejection would be a snub to both those traits.

I also think that the reason I cannot keep a relationship is because I am as easily bored as those who are attracted to me, the idea of a relationship is exiting but I am apethetic and have let other potential relationship fallow whole persuing a girl whom I think will change my life.

I have yet to fid anyone who has impacted my life as much as I believe they will, except maybe Doug, who is my main young adult role-model. Probably not the best role-model, but better than nothing, I have always tried to be like him. Infact one year ago I was practically trying to be him here. It didn't end well. I resolved then to be myself, but instead I have merely played a toned down role of me at ICC.

Maybe that is who I was always meant to be. I can accept that. But she deserves better

Pax
Don

I want to first make a shoutout to my good friends at the postal service here in Aber. They are courteous, polite and above all very good at their jobs. I want them to lead long and happy lives with many loved ones involving hugs ancookies.

If your inner voice wasn't straining from the amount of sarcasm in that last paragraph then you fail be cause I meant none of those things. It took 2 hours to track down a simple bit of mail which was small enough that they could have just put it in my mailbox, but NOOOOO, that would have been logical and easy; instead I have to go down into town, in the rain, to be told I have to go to the other side of Llanbadarn to an industrial estate 5 miles away, in the rain, only when I get there I'm told that the fucktard in town was wrong and that my mail is back in aber at a postoffice 5 minutes away from where I live and has been all along. So back home with my mail soacked through and throat sore from loudly swearing most of the way back I was rather annoyed.

Moving on, all stuff continues; I'm not too upbeat about the road ahead, but along the same lines there isn't some massive evil threat looming to destroy everything that I hold dear. That won't last

Pax
Don

One of my friends died. I found out today. So now I do as I have done for all bad things that have happened recently. Well the ones that have affected me...

I toast the road not taken, the path that is no more. And one cannot toast with water. So here I sit in my room with a popular game bird (famous grouse) and I toast the memory of Phillip Trouten.

He was a work friend of my father's whom I have known since I was a small child and my dad emailed me today to enquire as to how I was and tell me the news. His writing implies that he is non-chalant about it but I know him better. My dad is not ok. And I worrie for him.

I guess this has put all my winge-ing and complaining intpo prospective again. At least I'm mopey enough to write about it. He was my friend and I always looked up to him and my dad as people who I would love to be when I grow up, who had everything. Now I'm not so sure.

My father's only wife, my mother, died and now Phil "offed" himself (Graham's words not mine, Graham is my dad's name) I feel that maybe I'm shooting for contentment which I think I see, but everybody who has it is far from happy.

At least I have a reason to keep going on, three in fact, Doug, Ali and Graham have suffered enough and I will put them through no more. They deserve better than a screw up like me.

I always thought I'd end up like my dad and Phil. Phil comitted suicide and my dad's only company now are 2 of his sons. At least my sights aren't set too high.

Pax
Don

Dedicated to the memory of Phillip Trouten and his wife and children who survive him.

I missed being drunk with my friends. All through the summer I have been getting drunk with Doug's friends ( where I have to at least seem normal) or friends from Ivybridge, (where I make it seem like I've changed to a normal person) But now that I'm back at uni and got drunk with my friends feel so much better.

It's not that I didn't enjoy getting drunk at home but it is hard enough mimicing while you are sober bt when you are drunk it becomes so much harder. The problem is I keep on trying to keep up appearences that everything is getting better in the victorion fasion of "Gradual Improvement" which is the basis of modern thinking.

"We are better than the celts because we have technology and morals." That is an example of the way of thinking. It is ok for me to be strange as log as I show that I am slowly getting more normal and gradually improving.

I guess I feel a sense of relief playing into a role that I become so accustomed to. A role that many accept to be my true identity.

Maybe one day I'll find out who I truly am.
'til then
Pax
Don

Drunkenness beats non-Drunkenness

so little charisma.

I've long sice learned that I cannot talk small without it devolving into me being eccentric or an involved conversation about some extremely nerdy pursuit. Net result girls at best see me as entertaining and a friend, at worst I'm just outright creepy.

I have recently been trying to curb this tendancy, which usually leads to me being quiet and thout of as just someone too nervous to say anything, which isn't exactly an improvement.

Grahhh. It has become rather infuriating. However as always I endure, which is the best I can really hope for at the moment. I have a feeling my usual laissez faire approach isn't going to cut it really, not that it really solves anything anyway, in fact it creates more a problem than I start with.

It's that cursed Comic Supervillan mentality (wanting things to be perfect for them without any effort or originality, usually achomplished by theft or murder or similar method). You know what, fuck it! I will grow up eventually and then ... er ... when I grow up, I'll be stable / When I grow up, I'll turn the tables.

The best words for any situation have probably already been put into a song, granted this one isn't exactly like my sitch when you actually listen to it. Ah well, that is the pre-afterlife for you.

Pax
Don

I recently reread the Takeshi Kovacs trilogy by Richard Morgan and it has prompted me to write once more to all the persons who read my blog.

Apparently the human brain, as it speculates of things it comes up with ideas as to possabilities on the topics of speculation. As you think more on those ideas they become more easily acceptable in your mind, to the point where they are expected. For instance before I came to university all I really knew about university life was derived from the "Hollyoaks" soap opera, thus this is what I expected uni life to be Life.

In "Woken Furies" Morgan speaks of the only way to be truly prepared for a situation is to have absolutely no expectations on the subject and to merely be adaptive to any ideas that confront you. Course not being a complete psycho who has be Psychosurgically altered at an instinctual level this isn't really something I can do.

Instead I always try to expect more outcomes than is possibly rational, thus I don't get too invested in any singual theory and as such it restricts expectations. It doesn't stop me expecting things, it does however stop me being as dissapointed.

The major problem is that it isn't the world which is dissapointing, its how I react to it; by backing down, being submissive and letting things wash right past me. I retreat to imaginary worlds where imaginary characters to imaginary things and it comforts me because they are who they are regardless. My twisted mind puts my heroes through all mannar of torturous excursions, but they are always unashamed to be what they are and they relish the disaproval that it instils.

Roll on the day of recloning where I answer for my actions and all I have as a defence is "I'm sorry I didn't do anything in my life, but I was afraid.

Nonce, I was really looking forward to doing a blog and have I as just a self-indulgent rant but it turned to moping ash in my mouth. Well at least my self deprecation is constant. Having said that show me someone who is perfectly happy with everything in the world and I'll show you my beating heart...
Drug induced perfectly happy doesn't count btw.

Read "Altered Carbon" and my reasoning will be just as murky but you will have read an awesome cyberpunk scifi novel. Yes I am a R. Morgan fanboy, so sue me

Life is still dragging me behind it's car.
Pax
Don

Rommie isn't dead!

I spilled some liquid on my laptop(Rommie, Yes I know that I loose CPs for admiting I named my computer and even more for it being a sci-fi reference), which caused the keyboard to randomly spit out letters with no relavence to whether or not I was typing!

But there were no shorts and now that the water has evaporated I can type again!

Once again I have returned to uni and have enough free time to resume my blog. However the lack of inspiration such as a rantable topic leave me with merely a report as to how I am doing.

I haven't neglected my society, I have intead risen to the responibilities of being El Presidente. But it seems thaat the majority of actual work will be done by the end of the week.

Apart from that not much has changed, save for my flatmates who I seem to be making a good impression on them, which is always a good thing. I can't think of anything left to say so I leave you with this passage:

"The day of the true armageddon shall not be a day of blood or of fire raining from the sky, it is the day when we accept that we cnnot avoid such a fate." attrd. to James Quinn

There is hope again
Pax
Don

Well now I seem to have com e full circle from the first blog entry over a year ago. I have now finished with my break, almost, and am returning to uni soon. And once again I am slightly aprehensive, I'm going into the same kind of halls as I did last year and although it wasn't really as bad as I made it out to be, I have trouble with new people. Usually I have the same problem as the french radicals who would see a crowd an the move and say "I must find out where my people are going so that I can lead them."

I don't like change, I'm guessing that is something that most people can relate to. I enjoy the status quo, finding a rut and wallowing in it. But as I said a while ago, life seems determined to drag me along behind it.

I have made so many promises to myself, that I would getr a job over the summer, that I would get back in shape (even though I'm not really out of shape), That nothing would stop me from being the smartest, fastest and best. now I realise something, its not the promises I make or the lies I tell but how I will worm my way out of the next one...I have so little disapline.

"Though I am not the way I was or the way I will be I am the way that I will be remembered for whether I like it or not." Sebastian Gray

Pax
Don

I've been home for almost two month and have another two months until Uni starts again and I've noticed that time appears to flow in a strange mannar in Devonshire. It seems to be caught in a temporal loop because every year is exactly the same as the one before.

Sites that were renovated last year are either still being renovated or they are being rebuilt, everything is so similar to the way it was.

That was what I wrote half a month ago as a draft and it still applies.The only difference now is that I have attained the state which I ussually blog in, for anyone who hadn't already guessed I am not slightly intoxicated.

It isn't so much the constant ridicule or pointed comments which disinflate my self-estime which bother me so much about being home: it's that I don't really spend any time with my friends from school. I have been out with my friends from ICC twice, in comparison I have walked for an hour to the loce pharmacy for baby cream for my brothers tatoo more times than I have been out with them.

It's not their fault though, It's mine, if I really wanted to do something I would call them right? FFS! If I really thought I could do that then why would I be complaining about it to an online community who are as likely as not only checking my blog as their bootleg copy of My Chemical Romance downloads. I can't seek out things, I don't know how. It took me forever to sort out my loans for next year and the ony reason that I finally did was that we had a power cut for a day and a half with no new books to read!

I should listen less to the insincere(I hope) jests of my family and concentrate more on what one of my friends from uni told me: "Don't let people tell you that youa re less than you are, you are too good for that." He was drunk at the time so I may have polished the language a little, but the thought remains.

I have always wanted to have a daughter, I don't know why that would be relavent but it is true.

Pax
Don

PS I wrote this a while ago and thought it would be best to leave it in draft until I was drunk enough to post it. It is quite old.

No, I've not gone over the edge.
I've spent the last day watching the first 2 seasons of Dexter. If you haven't seen it, the show boils down to a serial killer who only kills murderers and works for the Miami police hunting down serial killers.

If I had a picture of a nutshell now would be a good time to put it in, maybe if I have time later I'll edit one in.

The main thing that I like about the programme is the remote detatchment that the main character seems to have with human emotions, for instance having to learn to smile for family photos because it isn't normal for children not to. Ah to have such detatchment would make life a lot easier. And boring, dull, lackluster, I don't even know what the last one means but it sounds good.

I don't really dislike feelings, it would be a lot hared to wallow if there were none to wallow in, I guess I would have to wallow in mud. Mmmm, mud.

I've been out walking quite a bit recently. I like walking, the not being watched or judged, the freedom. Also the time can be used for talking to myself, I enjoy doing that, the long rants of many voices spoken at the same pitch which, if done in civilised company would attract nerry a queer look.

I dream of being back at uni a lot, but the people are different, wrong somehow, and the best of my companions at home are also there. It seems as soon as the best part begins someone says "Just as you think all of your dreams have come true, you find out: they haven't." and I wake up in a cold sweat. I wouldn't even bring it up but I'm really short on Ideas to bulk out this blog and the dreams seem so real and I see appirritons from those dreams for hours after I wake up. Just out of the corner of my eye.

Well enough about me time for some comix:
Webcomics are so formulaeic
Thanks for reading this far, I would have gotten bored and looked at por... erm news, yes, news.

Pax
Don

Being nocturnal is better than it's cracked up to be.
But apparrently the rest of the country doesn't agree because there is nothing to do after about half past two unless you are at home.

This was revealed to me at the magic time while on my way to France. I was n the ferry to France over-night and somewhat innebreated, my family had all gone to the couchette to sleep and I was wandering around the public areas trying to find anyone who wasn't a slave to the social conventions of sleeping times.

The only two I found were only up because it was their job and what's worse, they only spoke french and enough english to say that they didn't speak it.

So with nothing else to do I resorted to hoarding pint mugs and wandering around on the dark of the deck before getting really bored and falling asleep on a sofa somewhere.

Now I can sleep at the usual times and do things during the day when I have to compete for usership rights with everybody else, because without a job what the hell else am I supposed to do?

I need a hobby, or a job, or a car.
Change comes slowly in Devonshire.

Pax
Don

Apparently.

I've been home for a couple of weeks now and I've done almost nothing for all that time. AApart from a 6 hour walk to get away from my house all I have been up to since i've been back is eat, sleep, play computer games and go out drinking with my crippled brother and his friends.

For all my talk about getting a job I have done nothing that could be mistaken for effort in that respect and now with my younger brothers GCSEs over I begining to think that it was time well spent.

Granted it's how I spent the vast majority of my GCSE and A-level study leave and the summers following them, but I had such high hopes for myself.

Not just that, this near constant state of hungover limbo makes it very hard to come up with interseting or thought provoking blogs. Like when I went to uni I would write an e-mail home every week to say how I was doing (because e-mail is not a verb!). But in my third term i sent a grand total of 2 emails because I had nothing that they would want to hear.

Ah well rather than just shut up shop for the summer I pledge towrite whenever a thought or topic that intrigues me arises, or when I'm bored.
But possibly not.

My sub-concious is torturing me in my dreams!
And I can't believe they drowned Charlie, He was the best thing in that show! Fucking Lost

Pax
Don

hey

I wrote a long heart felt and insightful blog but due to some crappy site crash/crappy connection/internet server it didn't get posted just some annoying title which on it's own meant nothing.

I resolved to rewrite the blog making changes where apropriate so it would make a good sign off the my year at uni. But being the lazy shizno that I am, I choose instead to forget about it and read webcomix. Then tonight, my last night at uni (assuming my dad remembers to come get me tomorrow), I couldn't sleep, got really bored and hyped up on sugar.

The gist of my other post was: I'm happy about how my first year of uni turned out, I never expected to make it this far, I like cake, it tastes good, the cake is a lie, I am bringing smexy back.

Now onto things that are relavent to me now: how the hell am I supposed to be able to tell the difference between the pains in my belly from being hungry, being ill, or from eating too much if I can't remember what I've eaten all day.

Also why do I always have trouble sleeping when I am going somewhere soon. I can't sleep till late most of the time but before I go to and leave uni I can't get to sleep no matter what I try. Ah well I have a 100 year old book of poetry and the wonderous "Invictus" to keep me occupied I should be fine until breakfast cafe's open in the morning.

Pax
Don

I'm bringing Smexy Back. Mr Timberlake has nothing on me.

2 to go, my exams are ending and my friends are leaving over the next couple of days.

But wait, Because I'm doing maths I have my last exam next week. Curses! This means I have to spend the rest of this week like I spent the start of my second semester, alone. Only this time I can't go along to geeksoc and try to get along with people and make new friends, I already did that and now geeksoc is ending for the year and all the friends I made are buggering off.

It's not all bad however; soon I get o go home and indulge in games of a superior graphics and gameplay quality when compared to the ones I have here at uni. One in particular is Dow or Dawn of War.

Ah well, at home I will have to console myself with games, the luxury of not paying for food, a vast(really really vast) DVD collection and the gaming club where I can actually beat people

Not all bad. But I kind of have to get a job or I won't be able to afford to do anything at all this summer. Previously this wouldn't have bothered me in the least but this freedom to do and get anything I want that I have at uni is glorious and I shalln't give it up.

So job it is. Could be worse, I could have to work in fast food.

Pax
Don

I'ts been a while.

I've started my second semester exams adn for the most part the revisionI've done has been exactly the stuff I needed to answer correctly. Almost as if the examiners are setting more or less the same papers as last year... hmm.

At nerd(Collectable Card Game) society we had the annual commity elections and it turns out that I got the most votes for the position of President(being the only one running helps) and so I now have responsability, something I am sorely lacking according to my F&F.

Now onto the important bit: Stating The Obvious! In other words summer is here. There are many things I dislike about summer, the insufferable heat, the blinding sun, the inability to go anywhere without fecking kids being the, the lack of rain...
But these are all made up for in full by one thing. Now don't just assume I'm a perv for this(assume it for other reasons) 'cos everybody thinks it, The combination of skimpy tight clothing on attractive 19-23 year olds. Being at uni rules.

But the exams bring it down again. 2 weeks left, 4 exams, 1 student! who will emerge victorious! Stay tuned.

yes quite.I really need to get myself one of those thar girlfriend things.
Pax
Don

Today is I have been alive for a full 19 years and I appear to have finally found the time that the grown ups always told you was coming when you were having fun in some theme park. You always ask; "why aren't you excited about your birthday?" in the naive way that children do and the awnser was always along the lines of "you get over it" or somehting.

I remember my birthday 10 years ago when I was so happy because I had the day off school and we went to the zoo, it was sunny and I was having fun seeing all the animals and playing with my brother. I think that was when I was happiest, it is certainly the happiest I can ever remember being.

I've been doing things that I thought would help me all my life, rarely making a decision by what I want. I, like many other people have tried to abide by the better angels of my nature and do what should be done for the better. I don't think I've done a great job of it.

"I once walked into a room and saw my great-uncle in the dark, crying, so I went over and asked him 'Uncle, what is wrong?' And he turned with an ashen face and said in a voice that sounded like a thousand winters 'My shoes are too tight, but it doesn't matter because I have forgotten how to dance.' I didn't understand until now what he meant, Vir. Now I see, so now I sit here in the dark, crying, because my shoes are too tight, but it doesn't matter because I have forgotten how to dance"-Londo Molari

Maybe it would be easier if the better angels of my nature didn't have horns. Life goes on.

Pax
Don

It's been a while since last we spoke you and I, but, my dear blog, that time is now at an end fo I have at last found my elusive topic on which to speak!

'kay So its been a while, well by the standards of some it has been little more than an average gap between blogs but the truth of the matter is I have found huge amounts of trouble thinking of a subject to rant about now that I don't feel the need to vent all of my fears, complaints and greivances.

Did you ever read a book everyone said was great and find it wasn't so great, apart from the "Harry Potter" series of books. Sometimes it's strange talking with others about preferences because no matter how hard I try i can't seem to see it from their point of view. With most things, logical reasoning as to a choice or way of putting things I am quite understanding in that I can see why people do things, why they think they do things and although I recognise that I can be off about this I feel if I know what they are thinking that I see how the rationalise thngs.

It's quite frightening in fact when I think about great atrocities commited by dictators when I can imagine myself doing these things, the reasoning behind it and the ways it would have been conducted if a certain stray thought had been embraced or ignored. I may just be projecting my possible thoughts onto others.

That may be why I have such trouble with people: because I do not know the full extent of the reasoning behind their actions I cannot see how they came to the decision they have.

So yes, preferences, I have trouble with these because they have no basis on logic, on reasoning, but are more of a contributing factor to peoples ways of thinking, they are part of the thought process that are elementery in thier simplicity. Either that or I'm going out of my mind again.
It would be a nice change of pace.

I leave you with this quote by Henry Ford:
"A customer can have a car in any colour he chooses, as long as its black."
Go figure.

Pax
Don

They say time heals all wounds.
And that it wounds all heals.
All I can say is it has been a while and it hurts.
She live on in my pain and memory.

Pax
Don

In Memory
Alison Brown
1954-2001